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Togusa is briefly stunned, her reaction is at once unexpected and less of a slap in the face than he was perhaps preparing himself for. He wants to interject, to say he doesn't care if she is mad at him, but she continues, and he keeps his silence.

It's a memory, unbidden. His own, and he knows it, not something that Retrospec has shoved into his mind. They'd been at the house of a friend of the family, put all the kids in a side room so the adults could be free of them. There was exactly one thing in the room that was at risk of being broken, so of course it had absolutely captured little Hitori's attention: a plate with the face of a black tiger on it. One moment, he was just trying to get a better look at it, to analyze it in his way. And then it tipped over, and even now he can see every detail of the fall, the crack right down the center of it, in slow motion.

Twenty years later, and he feels exactly that same feeling, that he just passed some kind of tipping point, lost in enthusiasm, and his punishment is to watch something break in front of him.

"If you're not mad at me, then who? Her? It's not fair that her choices are echoing back and affecting you."

"It's not fair that even she hasn't gotten what you wanted."

A pause. "If you had your say." I mean, if I had my goddamn choice, you know what I'd like to be? "For either life, what would you want most?"

"Stop."

She says it for herself and for him. A slidelong glance is all she can manage, but her gaze is clearer than it's been for maybe a little while now.

"That answer isn't for you." She's closing the door on him, but it lacks her characteristic archness. Hell, once upon a time, she might have even teased him with that sort of answer.

"If we keep going like this, we're going to teach each other apart."

The answers won't be worth it, without anything to show for it. It won't be worth it if they hate each other by the end. So one of them has to draw the line.

"I don't think we can talk about this in person right now."

Edited (Loading cut off my tag) 2019-03-01 05:02 (UTC)

Crack.

Now comes the words that are like a punch, and he can practically see the line cracking in the middle of her face. His spirits absolutely fall, and his gaze casts back down to the glasses. His vain attempt to hold together their real relationship in the midst of this.

I didn't want this, it's not about me, I'm sorry I ask these questions when I want you to answer it for yourself, I'm sorry I poke at every god damn thing until it yields an answer, even if that answer is breaking in two. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Togusa numbly nods, every bit a chastised child for his overenthusiasm in this moment. Words don't come at first, they will not come. He has to focus and refocus and swallow hard before they will.

"I thought this was more fair. Than to keep avoiding the topic entirely."

Something was broken, but there was something necessary in it.

"It was more fair. You're the most fair person I know."

Mariko looks at Togusa for a long moment, before reaching out. It's clumsy and takes more effort than it should, but gently she turns his head back towards her. It's such a soft thing, unlike her - or maybe what she would have been like, if she hadn't devoted herself to armoring her heart against such pain.

"You weren't wrong for trying, Hitori."

She knows he's going to beat himself up anyway, once she's gone home, but she doesn't bother stifling the urge to try and protect him for once.

"I think because you were learning so much, I wanted you to have The Answer. And that was unfair of me."

With a sigh, she looks at her glass again. They're good at finding answers together, but this was never just a case. And they were stupid to try and pretend they could keep their feelings out of it long enough to crack the case. She shoots him another sidelong glance, almost smiling.

"If you weren't around, I'd probably be someplace way the hell off. In the woods or some goddamn place. You're the only reason I'm around, practically."

Togusa is startled, but he doesn't find himself leaning in or away from her. Don't flinch away, as strange as the movement is, but don't reach out for more, no matter how badly he wants it. The touch, it is more tender than Mariko truly is, at least with him, and it fills that damn need of something undefinable that he feel starved for. As his face is tilted up, with words oh so kind being offered, it's all Togusa can do to not break down right then and there.

"I hoped you didn't have The Answer. I hoped we could still find it together. I just hoped that it didn't hurt when we got there."

Her attempt at a bandaid is a lie, and he knows it. One she tells herself, but it is out there. One he has to smile and pretend to buy, which he does, with a nod. The words between her words, this is all really for you, do you know that?

"I wouldn't have gotten nearly this far if some upperclassman hadn't taken me under her wing and showed me how to survive so far away from everything I'd known. Would have run back to Japan years ago."

For me and him both. There is a part of this that is all for you. Which is why the validation from Mariko reaches right into his chest and touches the both of them. Mending one, only one, of those cracks in his heart with a thin line of gold.

His response is heartfelt and touching and Mariko has to stifle the laugh because, well, it’s kind of dickish. It’s amusement and relief tangled up in itself.

“Hitori, when have you ever known me to be so mushy?”

Okay, she is laughing but only a little.

“You’re important to me, yeah. But I’ve never been that good at talking about feelings. That last bit was all Salinger.” A beat, as she tries to play off her own sincerity with a shrug. “Even if it was appropriate.”

With effort, she rises from the chair and the movement is so stiff, she’s sure Hitori can hear the creaking.

“I offered a piece of His obsession on a platter and you’re the one who answered. Even with everything you’ve gotten back.”

Her stance is unsteady and she knows that she should ask him to help. But she’s had her fill of leaning on Hitori and she’s not about to start now.

“I need you to get the door for me. Now that I know for sure that my body is going to change, I think the cyberbrain is having difficulty processing...a different body.”

She clears her throat, trying ease her own embarrassment and stifle the urge to cry again.

“When I couldn’t clench my fist, I knew and I couldn’t just glance over the implications from the dreams and her memories. So I have to figure this out, for me, before we talk about this again.”

A scoff.

“She’s in charge and I’m your elder —I should have my shit together for once in my life before we go down this road again.”

The laugh surprises him, bringing a puzzled look to his face, and then she gives up the game, and he cannot believe he missed it. For a moment, Togusa is laughing, too. "Of course. Sally." Holden's own tiny obsession in the book.

But her explanation is another mending line, just the smallest offering of hope. Hope that maybe he isn't as far gone as he'd like to believe. Maybe. Maybe Zee's plan can still work. Maybe he can hang on to himself.

Togusa automatically stands up with Mariko, and again, he notices something is off about her motions. Just like with her hand.

Oh no.

He can keep the sharp inhalation of breath silent. It's still her, but it's as if she's gotten the software upgrade before- the hardware one. It is disgusting to think of it that way, but it's precisely what is happening. Togusa's hand out to the side of Mariko's arm is gentle.

"Okay." With all of the intonation of 'I'm here for you.'

"If you're- comfortable with it," she likely isn't, but he will make the offer, "Isamu could take you home? He'll do all the driving for you." It's how Togusa had planned to drink at the office and still make it back to his own bed. A practical suggestion, nothing else.

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