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[standalonehuman]

Togusa

This is Togusa. Feel free to message me at any time.

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[darkinferno]

goddammit

im at a party rightno w

[standalonehuman]

Then why the fuck are you on Retrospec texting? Not enjoying the party?

[darkinferno]

[Dammit, trapped...]

its not that the partys fine

just dont feel like celebrating

[standalonehuman]

I get it. Fynn called up a party after we got back, and I went, but

This doesn't feel like we won anything, does it?

[darkinferno]

yeah

it was too high a price

[standalonehuman]

You mean Ryoji, don't you?

[And Dante dodged the question from earlier. No, Togusa doesn't need to ask it again.]

[darkinferno]

[For the people that know him, it's probably not too hard to figure out.]

not just him

a lot happened whle we were gone

ryoji was just the thing everybody knows about because ti happend at the end

[standalonehuman]

Talk to me. I'm not partying, you're not bringing down the mood, and I want to know.

I knew from the minute you got back you guys went through hell.

[And then you dragged him straight to a giant monster fight anyway, great job, Togusa. He runs a hand over his face. Yell at yourself later.]

[darkinferno]

[Dante will yell at him first if he finds out what he's thinking; you couldn't have kept him away from that battle if you'd tried.]

you might regret that

[But after a moment, it begins to spill out, a flood of texts.]

it was only the last week, the first couple werent that bad
we were trapped in these mines with a yeti but freya and i killed it then we wound up in a bayou with a mansion
there was an alligator in the water but that s not that weird, they live there
mari and toushiro found a maneating palnt but we killed that too
but the mansion
it was haunted

[There's a pause here; Dante's got to retreat if he's going to talk about this. Luckily with all of his skills back, it's not hard to jump up to the roof of Pen's house to sit and continue texting.]

i dont nkwo everything that hapepned to everybod yelse, we had to split up to cover the whoel place
but i fucked up
we were checkng ar oom and i dont know how ti happende btu we got trapped, it was like the house came alive and tied us up and i couldnt even sumon my sword to get loose
the ghost of the butler wsa there and forced us to play family fieud or he woudlve hung us
and we knew only one perso n could win so i tried to throw the game
he as so scaredt ogusa he was crying so i couldnt let him die
except i fcuked up
i fucked it all up
the lsat question ghost asked was a riddle and it was what had happened there 50 years go, what had hapeend to the psinnatos and i dindt mean to but i answered it i figured it uot

i won

he died because of me

[That's not even all of it. But it's where he's got to stop for the moment, folding in on himself and staring helplessly at the phone like perhaps the words will become less true if he does.]

[standalonehuman]

[How do you even approach something like this? Togusa just watches as the flood of information comes in and thank goodness they're doing this over text. Dante might not have even shared this much in person. Any extra distance he can give him is a good thing.]

[Survivor's guilt. It is the worst thing, and one of the reasons why so many on the force end up in exactly the place where Dante is at right now.]

Dante.
His death isn't your fault.
It's the fault of the people who put you in such a shitty game.

It's Retrospec's fault.

I know you won't believe me right now, but I'll keep on saying it until you do.

You would have died for him, I know if you had control over it, you would have picked yourself over him every time.

[darkinferno]

[There's not going to be a response from Dante for a long moment. What can he say to that? Because Togusa's right, he can't believe him, but at the same time... what he's saying makes sense, too.

"You would have died for him, I know if you had control over it, you would have picked yourself over him every time."

He would have. If there was anything he could have done--for either Toushiro or Ryoji--he would've done it in a heartbeat. It's not right, when he could've died and there are only a few people that might have missed him. Ryoji's left so many people behind grieving over him, and Toushiro... Toushiro was so scared. Even if he's come back to life now, he still died. He's still got to go through the rest of his life remembering what it was like.

Finally, Togusa will get a single question in response.]

how od you handle ti

[standalonehuman]

[Togusa's answer to this is going to be different than some other people's. Because he can't give Dante the wishful thinking answer on this one, the hope that he never has to deal with this again.]

You learn, and you hang on to it for next time.

A lot of people go through life never knowing what they're capable of, because they never find themselves in a situation with such high stakes. And that's a good thing. But now that you know, you can take comfort in it.

Sitting and getting lost in what you could have done, what you think you should have done, that's where you're going to hurt yourself.

[darkinferno]

[It's more helpful than some of the other answers he's gotten, honestly. Too many people just want to tell him that it wasn't his fault and leave it at that. And that... that just leaves too many uncertainties, too much doubt.]

why do yuo think uve been drinking so muhc

i dont want to htink about it

or ryuoji or ritsu or freya ir yuri or anything that happend

i just want to forget lal of it

[standalonehuman]

It's not the fact that you're drinking that worries me, it's that you're directly trying to use it as a coping mechanism.

It's going to start to get less effective over time.

For tonight, drink away, hell, you're at a party.

But this is exactly the pattern that burns out good cops later in their careers.

[darkinferno]

i knwo

[No, that's not right.]

i know

i wasnt gonna drink todya until the party, i dont want it truning into a habit
but i tried to call ari
when i ran awya a fwe months go shed been woride even thoguh i told her i as leaving town and it was only a few days
this tiem itd been a month sinec id caled her

she doesnt remember anything
she ddint even notice we weer all missign

[Does Togusa even know who Ari is (was)? Dante doesn't know, and it's the farthest thought from his mind right now, frankly.]

[standalonehuman]

Fuck.

Never mind, you've earned it.

I'm so damn sorry, Dante. I know it feels empty, but I am.

Gentiana. She dropped off, she doesn't remember a thing, either.

So. I get it. Hard not to feel damn helpless about the whole thing.

[darkinferno]

yyeah

if it ahd been one hting i couldve handeld it

but first toushrio then the ghsots possoessing us and then the wriath adn ryoji

i lost evyerthing id gottne back icouldnt summo nmy sword to fight

the aslt stuf fi remembered last month

ari

its too mucj

[standalonehuman]

[Christ. He couldn't save two friends.]

It is. It's more than anyone should have to handle.

What you did mattered. You were still here when we needed you, you helped take out that monster, and there's an ocean out there again thanks to you.

But even that doesn't feel good enough, I know. It's not like the good and bad balance each other out, they both just exist.

So don't discount what you're feeling.

[darkinferno]

tis workded for this lngo
i used to be betetr at ti
o blame yuo and the rpof nad grel land prompto

[It's. Kind of a joke? But also not. And a bad attempt at one, besides.]

[standalonehuman]

I'll take that blame, gladly.

[There's an urge in there to make fun of the 19 year-old hardened drinker, but now isn't the time. Just put that in my pocket for later.]

It'll keep for tonight. I'm not gonna. Give you any more crap about it, okay?

I'm still here, long as you need me.

[darkinferno]

[He means discounting his feelings!!!! Although considering he shamed Fynn in alcohol knowledge, he'd probably contest the teasing, too.]

ok

thansk togusa

*thanks

[It's important.]