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[standalonehuman]

Togusa

This is Togusa. Feel free to message me at any time.

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[standalonehuman]

Togusa isn't going to be the first one to let go. He can feel that this is something Cleo needs so badly, but hasn't been able to let herself have from the people around her. And Togusa has to do the same. He can't just stay distant and be her boss, here, he has to let himself be her friend.

"What you do right now is you get some rest. You're going to have to face them, and own up to it, and apologize to them. Even if they aren't immediately ready to forgive you. But I suspect they will be."

He shifts a little so he can see her, but isn't letting go. "But the big part of any apology is changing something so that it doesn't happen again. You're going to have to talk to somebody. Doesn't have to be me, doesn't even actually have to be one of the people at the Department. That would be how I would solve this. But I'm not you." A little smile.

"But you can't run away." Togusa thinks she knows that, even if she tried her best to just drop out of everything.

[cattack]

She listens to his words, and... Slowly, slowly nods. What he says makes sense. He's right. Of course he's right. But...

"Who should I talk to?" She asks, hesitantly. "I've... Before Retrospec, I didn't talk to anyone, really.... And what would I say?"

[standalonehuman]

There's a little relief when it seems like any of this is getting through to her. "Even if you don't explain the specifics of your visions, there are therapists outside of the network that work with the Department. I know you've got friends who are happy to listen when you can't deal with what you're seeing, or you need to work things through. Tatsuo, me," a little smile again. It's why he's sitting here on this couch, after all.

"There have been a few offers for therapy among people on the Network. And, well, you just talk about what's bothering you. Whatever's bothering you. Let somebody else share the load. Sounds easy, but I know it's not."

[cattack]

"If I try to explain it to someone outside of the network, I'll just sound insane." She curls up in on herself once more, resting her head against her knees. But this time, rather than the despair from before, she just seems... exhausted.

"I know... it's not easy." Therapy sounds like weakness, to her. To let someone else share her load... To force her burdens on someone else. "If I talk to anyone... It has to be someone on the network. I don't know anyone who isn't."

[standalonehuman]

Togusa lets a hand linger on her shoulder, just one touch to let her know he's still here. "A real question, would it be easier to talk to someone who doesn't already know you, though? For some people it helps, to not have some kind of expectation sitting in front of them. If you think it would be better to talk with other people going through the same thing?"

[cattack]

"I don't know." She admits immediately. She doesn't know. She doesn't even know how to begin to know. "But... Like this... Right now, is helping, so..."

[standalonehuman]

"You don't have to figure it all out right now," Togusa assures her. "And I'll stick around as long as you need. So if this is what helps, then all right. I'll be here." He'll be glad to take this at her pace, so long as she is talking to someone. He wouldn't call himself the best at this, just in the right place at the right time.

[cattack]

She nods, curling up on herself a little tighter.

"... I want to make it up to them." She admits weakly. "I want to make it right... I don't know how to make it right if it's not my fault..."

[standalonehuman]

"Sometimes people can get hurt and it's not anyone's fault, but we still want to help. You should treat this like that. You didn't mean it, but they did get hurt. But if you make the effort, they'll appreciate it." But Togusa will stay, for what she needs right now. He won't let her run away from this like she wanted.

[cattack]

"But it's not... no one's fault..." She hunches her shoulders. "I hate this... I hate my visions. I hate that everyone thinks these visions are memories... I hate that everyone wants me to accept that that person is supposed to be me..."

The tears are flowing now, weakly and silently, the shaking of her shoulders the only real cue.

[standalonehuman]

Togusa frowns, and he grips Cleo's shoulder tightly. It's desperation, something to try to get through to her. "You do not have to just accept this. These memories are not the woman you are supposed to be. Retrospec is terrible for doing this to you and all of us. And they're the ones that want these other people. And you do not have to become her. Okay?"

[cattack]

Honestly, that does get through to her. She shivers a bit more trying to get herself under control.

"I... I don't want to become her." She shudders. "Can I really avoid it?"

[standalonehuman]

Togusa's grip eases, but his tone stays soft and quiet. "You will still be you. No matter what. You can get all of her memories, every experience she's had in her life, and you don't need to change who you are. It's like reading a really involved story. If you've got more to ground you in this life? It will help."

[cattack]

She nods, weakly. "How do I ground myself here?"

[standalonehuman]

"Stay with your friends, keep doing your job, which you're not allowed to quit, by the way." He nods at the weight training equipment. "Train, get better. Ride your motorcycle. All of the things that Cleo likes to do. You can still do it all. And punch anyone who gives you a hard time about the ears and tail in the face."

[cattack]

Finally, out of everything... After all the crying, the heart-wrenching, the soul-searching, everything, it's that that gets a small, hushed laugh out of her. It's quiet, half a sigh, but it's still a short laugh.

"Should I take that as official permission, sir?" It's a bit forced, but she's trying to make at least some kind of joke.

[standalonehuman]

Togusa laughs along, just as quietly. "If you need it, consider it granted. But I'd rather you just consider it the advice of a friend." Togusa smiles gently down at her. Sometimes it's the smaller things that make the biggest differences in the midst of such soul-searching.

[cattack]

She finally, finally manages to look up at him. Her eyes are a bit puffy, and... well, she looks like she's just been through the wringer. But she manages a small, small smile.

"Thank you... For everything."