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[standalonehuman]

Togusa

This is Togusa. Feel free to message me at any time.

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

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[cattack]

There's a pause as she takes this in, and then... She opens the door further.

Inside her apartment, all the lights are off. She simply leaves the door open before she returns to the couch, sitting down, legs curled up to her chest, and tail curled up around her.

She isn't saying a word, though.

[standalonehuman]

This position is too familiar. Togusa automatically leaves his shoes at the door and pads over to the chair to sink down into it. He looks at her carefully in some silence for a while.

"I'm here because I'm worried about you. I just need to know what happened. The short answer is that I'm not accepting your resignation." He shakes his head. "But I'm not here as a cop, I'm here as your friend."

[cattack]

"Exactly what I said, sir." Her voice is weak, dull. There's no life to her voice, like she's totally broken. The lights are off, but even so, she's not looking at anything, just staring at her own knees.

"I hurt Tatsuo. I severely injured Dante. I tried to kill them both. Had Dante not intervened, I would have killed Tatsuo."

[standalonehuman]

Shock, and Togusa looks at Cleo cautiously, but he has to persist. "Were you really trying? Why? Tatsuo is-" Tatsuo is complicated. "I know he means more to you than anyone."

His brow relaxes, a kindness returns to his eyes. "It's Sunday, this had to be at training. Was it an accident?"

[cattack]

"I..." She takes a deep breath, and lowers her head, resting her forehead against her knees.

"I got a vision." She speaks a bit louder, but her voice is muffled by her position. "She was... fighting. Fighting something beyond comprehension. And she was killed. Killed, over and over."

She takes another breath, but this one's shakier. "After that, I remembered... Receiving the other vision. Where she died. But... In that vision, she killed someone before she died. And then... It was like I was fighting that man again. And then, the god. And the monsters from August. I didn't know what was going on. But somehow, I... thought they were enemies..."

Her voice quiets again, as she tries to hold her voice steady. "So I attacked."

[standalonehuman]

Togusa's breath catches in his throat. He can only listen for a minute, and there is a whole body flinch at the word 'killed.' No. Not again, not another person. Why? He shakes his head, and he stands up to move to the couch to sit next to her instead. He very gently puts his hand on her arm. He fully expects her to pull away, but she needs someone with her now. "Cleo."

"Cleo, my god. You didn't mean it. You couldn't have meant it, you didn't know where you were." The damn visions. Retrospec, again. Of course this is all their fault. Focus. Cleo's the one who needs you now.

"You're all right now." Maybe the best he can give is just comfort.

[cattack]

Cleo flinches away from the touch, as he expected. The comfort is, in a way, painful. She wants comfort- She wants to be forgiven. But she doesn't, at the same time. She doesn't believe she deserves it. And her sense of justice won't allow her to be forgiven for doing such great harm.

"Only the first part was a vision." She explains, as if confessing her crimes. "The rest was... I don't know. It was like I was back in August, I... thought I was surrounded by enemies. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't a vision." Cleo is the type who is too invested in physical health, and doesn't understand the mental.

"But whatever the reason, I hurt people. I have caused great harm. And I can't trust myself to not have that happen again..." Her voice wavers. "All I've done since August began is kill."

[standalonehuman]

Togusa insistently follows Cleo, keeping contact anyway. He's not leaving her alone. Period. This isn't something he can just take away from her, but he'll do what he can to alleviate the burden.

"That's not even true." Firmer. "You told me all about what you and your group did at the bunker. And you helped save the city, we all did our parts, you included. You're not a killer. You want to count those monsters," Togusa shakes his head a little. "You shouldn't. None of us had a choice against those things."

"You've been through a lot. The last thing you should do is pull away from people. If you can't trust yourself, trust us, instead. That's why no officer is ever abandoned to act just on their own."

[cattack]

"Some of the monsters looked human." She protests weakly. "And in my visions, she killed someone before she was killed. And then she fought a god, to kill him as well. She died so many times..."

Her voice catches. "And because of that, I hurt people. I broke Dante's bones. I hurt Tatsuo's shoulder. I can't- I can't trust myself... I don't want to hurt anyone." She's trying to hold them back, but tears are threatening at her eyes.

[standalonehuman]

"Your friends know you didn't want to hurt them. Right now, they're probably very worried about you, because they don't know what's going on. More worried for you than they are for themselves. I know Tatsuo and Dante well." Only reason they aren't beating on her door, too, is that they're probably being stubborn idiots about getting treated for injuries. Only thing that trumps their concern.

Togusa's breath catches again, but he tries to turn and face her more fully, puts out his other hand for her shoulder. This is serious. "It didn't happen to you. You didn't die, you didn't kill anyone." He's going to keep on that point. "But you remember that it did, and it means it's still going to affect you. We can get you better help than what I can give. The Department has resources, and it's not a sign of weakness to take help." He shakes his head. "It's not."

[cattack]

"I shouldn't need help!" She finally bursts out, tears finally falling. She turns to face him, eyes wide and scared, ears flat against her head. "I shouldn't- I don't want to be a burden on anyone! I wanted to be strong, so I could protect people, so I could help others! I shouldn't- I shouldn't be the one who needs help instead..." She hunches her shoulders, trying to hide her tears, but it doesn't work.

[standalonehuman]

Togusa can feel his heart break for Cleo as he slowly starts to wrap an arm around her shoulders. She is denying herself everything, connection, affection, because she hasn't been able to trust in it before. So he is here, comforting, being what he knows she needs.

Togusa's voice is low and soft. "Cleo. I need help. I can't do just my job alone. Let alone everything that Retrospec is throwing at me. None of us can. Not the Detectives, not Officer Izunia or Sakakura. Not Tatsuo or Dante. You are strong. You are so strong to be able to hold yourself together for this long. But to get stronger, you can't do it on your own."

[cattack]

As his arm wraps around her, she tenses up, shoulders trembling slightly. In her life, she'd never had that kind of attachment. At the orphanage, she'd never had friends. When she'd been at school, she quickly learned that she never fit in anywhere- She was too wild, too awkward. She couldn't let injustice, no matter how small, slide, even if it came from someone who was her friend. She was always clumsy with her words, unable to convey her feelings or connect to others properly. If she had friends, they'd abandon her right away, as soon as she showed herself for who she is.

Which means that this hug from Togusa... may very well be the first time in her life she's been hugged like that. She doesn't know what to do, she's never felt anything like it. But the tears spill out, even as she tries to resist them.

"I... I don't know what to do now..." She finally confesses. She wants to make it up to them, but she doesn't know how. She wants to heal them, but she's not strong enough. She feels paralyzed, like her ideals are crushed, and she doesn't know how to move forward.

[standalonehuman]

Togusa isn't going to be the first one to let go. He can feel that this is something Cleo needs so badly, but hasn't been able to let herself have from the people around her. And Togusa has to do the same. He can't just stay distant and be her boss, here, he has to let himself be her friend.

"What you do right now is you get some rest. You're going to have to face them, and own up to it, and apologize to them. Even if they aren't immediately ready to forgive you. But I suspect they will be."

He shifts a little so he can see her, but isn't letting go. "But the big part of any apology is changing something so that it doesn't happen again. You're going to have to talk to somebody. Doesn't have to be me, doesn't even actually have to be one of the people at the Department. That would be how I would solve this. But I'm not you." A little smile.

"But you can't run away." Togusa thinks she knows that, even if she tried her best to just drop out of everything.

[cattack]

She listens to his words, and... Slowly, slowly nods. What he says makes sense. He's right. Of course he's right. But...

"Who should I talk to?" She asks, hesitantly. "I've... Before Retrospec, I didn't talk to anyone, really.... And what would I say?"

[standalonehuman]

There's a little relief when it seems like any of this is getting through to her. "Even if you don't explain the specifics of your visions, there are therapists outside of the network that work with the Department. I know you've got friends who are happy to listen when you can't deal with what you're seeing, or you need to work things through. Tatsuo, me," a little smile again. It's why he's sitting here on this couch, after all.

"There have been a few offers for therapy among people on the Network. And, well, you just talk about what's bothering you. Whatever's bothering you. Let somebody else share the load. Sounds easy, but I know it's not."

[cattack]

"If I try to explain it to someone outside of the network, I'll just sound insane." She curls up in on herself once more, resting her head against her knees. But this time, rather than the despair from before, she just seems... exhausted.

"I know... it's not easy." Therapy sounds like weakness, to her. To let someone else share her load... To force her burdens on someone else. "If I talk to anyone... It has to be someone on the network. I don't know anyone who isn't."

[standalonehuman]

Togusa lets a hand linger on her shoulder, just one touch to let her know he's still here. "A real question, would it be easier to talk to someone who doesn't already know you, though? For some people it helps, to not have some kind of expectation sitting in front of them. If you think it would be better to talk with other people going through the same thing?"

[cattack]

"I don't know." She admits immediately. She doesn't know. She doesn't even know how to begin to know. "But... Like this... Right now, is helping, so..."

[standalonehuman]

"You don't have to figure it all out right now," Togusa assures her. "And I'll stick around as long as you need. So if this is what helps, then all right. I'll be here." He'll be glad to take this at her pace, so long as she is talking to someone. He wouldn't call himself the best at this, just in the right place at the right time.

[cattack]

She nods, curling up on herself a little tighter.

"... I want to make it up to them." She admits weakly. "I want to make it right... I don't know how to make it right if it's not my fault..."

[standalonehuman]

"Sometimes people can get hurt and it's not anyone's fault, but we still want to help. You should treat this like that. You didn't mean it, but they did get hurt. But if you make the effort, they'll appreciate it." But Togusa will stay, for what she needs right now. He won't let her run away from this like she wanted.

[cattack]

"But it's not... no one's fault..." She hunches her shoulders. "I hate this... I hate my visions. I hate that everyone thinks these visions are memories... I hate that everyone wants me to accept that that person is supposed to be me..."

The tears are flowing now, weakly and silently, the shaking of her shoulders the only real cue.

[standalonehuman]

Togusa frowns, and he grips Cleo's shoulder tightly. It's desperation, something to try to get through to her. "You do not have to just accept this. These memories are not the woman you are supposed to be. Retrospec is terrible for doing this to you and all of us. And they're the ones that want these other people. And you do not have to become her. Okay?"

[cattack]

Honestly, that does get through to her. She shivers a bit more trying to get herself under control.

"I... I don't want to become her." She shudders. "Can I really avoid it?"